You know, when I went overseas, it was the best times of my life. For the first time in years, I felt so free. Free and Happy. I didn't have to hold myself back, I didn't need to put up my mask (well at least not everyday), I didn't need to keep on lying to my friends, and myself. I didn't even need to convince myself that I was happy. Odd when a child so young has to convince everybody that nothing is wrong. Everything is right in the world we live in.
I guess this is why I suddenly became a bookworm. It's the perfect place to hide my sorrows and drown myself in the lives of others and in a world so perfect that I didn't need to worry about the 'evils'. It's true though, I honestly, absolutely, really hated books as a youth. I wouldn't even touch my school books. Can you believe I went through primary school without once studying!! I used to just sit in class, listen to whatever the teacher said and hoped that I would remember it for the exam. Funny how I used to only 'just' pass. I couldn't care less about school at the time.
If only I never found that stupid letter. I wish I never saw the birth certificate. I wish I didn't have to grow up so fast during those years. You know, I sometimes felt like a priest, cos I always had either my mom or my dad coming to me, dragging me away so that they could have someone to talk to. GOD!!! I was only 12!!! I didn't need to learn about the harshities of life so early.
It was so wierd, I began acting as a parent to my siblings, my mom was too distressed about what happened, my brother and sister had no idea what was happening (I wasn't allowed to tell anyone...trust me, the burden wasn't light) and my dad was being his usual pigheaded self as usual. He never listens and he pursposely does not want to understand.
I was so happy overseas. When I was home I used to get into fights with my father every other day. I couldn't help myself. I trusted my father, I idolised him. He sure as hell broke that beautiful illusion. God, how we fought. I even got myself thrown out of the house because of my stupid temper, pride and the fact that I just couldn't look at my father anymore without feeling disgusted.
"Ignorance is Bliss"
(That is so true. You have no idea how true). I hated coming home from boarding school. I could garantee that out of two or three week holiday home, I would get into at least, minimum, two fights with my dad. Trust me, I don't usually start them, I was just a convienient dart board for his anger...
I used to be such a nobody (would you believe it! Seriously!) I was like a wallpaper. All quiet and not caring about anybody or anything. People rarely noticed me, and I like it that way. I was happy with just me and my family.
When I found out though...
I saw what it did to my mom. I swear, I DON'T EVER WANT THAT TO BE ME!!!
NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!
She was so hopeless and lost. She wanted to leave but she couldn't. What could she do, she was too dependent on my father. Her side of the family wasn't going to help. The only ones who would are in Switzerland and Singapore, and both are facing bad times. I swore to myself after seeing my mom that I'll never let that happen to me. No matter how much I love the guy. I just couldn't bring myself to get hurt like that. Not only did what my dad do hurt my mom, but me to. I hated that feeling. My heart felt like it broke into a million peices and got scattered into too many small and far away places to ever find again. It took me so many years to piece back what I could find and I still havn't found all the pieces. I think I only found about 10 out of a billion broken pieces. After I was hurt I built a wall around myself that nobody could penetrate, not even my best friends. That wall is not as strong now, I can feel it, but...it's still there.
I'm so scared to let it down. I don't want anybody, be it friend or foe, to break my heart again. It's just too painful. You know I still cry at night sometimes. I just can't hold it in anymore and I just let the tears fall. Sometimes I even let a small scream out. My sister has heard it before, she get's really scared when I do.
Eventhough I'm scared to open my heart though, there is one thing that's scares me more...I am so afraid that I'll never find someone who would just hold me and love me for who I am. Someone who can understand me and who is not afraid to just do things...You know I was never hugged as a child?? I used to see my brother and sister recieve hugs from friends and families, but for some reason, I was always overlooked. It's the reason why I always treasure any hug I recieve, any present I recieve, any small gift imparted my way...
I think, out of all my memories, there is one image that stands out the most. Have you ever seen someone try to kill themself? It's not a pretty sight. I saw my mother take down 30 sleeping pills. I saw her lying on the couch near death. The feelings of loss I felt then were...
I'm sorry to anybody who has ever experiences a coldness, a brush off or anything negative from me...I honestly do not mean it. I'm just not sure how to show my emotions in the right way. Please forgive and give me time to learn. I am still hurting and still healing...
I used to be such a nobody (would you believe it! Seriously!) I was like a wallpaper. All quiet and not caring about anybody or anything. People rarely noticed me, and I like it that way. I was happy with just me and my family.
When I found out though...
I saw what it did to my mom. I swear, I DON'T EVER WANT THAT TO BE ME!!!
NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!NEVER!!
She was so hopeless and lost. She wanted to leave but she couldn't. What could she do, she was too dependent on my father. Her side of the family wasn't going to help. The only ones who would are in Switzerland and Singapore, and both are facing bad times. I swore to myself after seeing my mom that I'll never let that happen to me. No matter how much I love the guy. I just couldn't bring myself to get hurt like that. Not only did what my dad do hurt my mom, but me to. I hated that feeling. My heart felt like it broke into a million peices and got scattered into too many small and far away places to ever find again. It took me so many years to piece back what I could find and I still havn't found all the pieces. I think I only found about 10 out of a billion broken pieces. After I was hurt I built a wall around myself that nobody could penetrate, not even my best friends. That wall is not as strong now, I can feel it, but...it's still there.
I'm so scared to let it down. I don't want anybody, be it friend or foe, to break my heart again. It's just too painful. You know I still cry at night sometimes. I just can't hold it in anymore and I just let the tears fall. Sometimes I even let a small scream out. My sister has heard it before, she get's really scared when I do.
Eventhough I'm scared to open my heart though, there is one thing that's scares me more...I am so afraid that I'll never find someone who would just hold me and love me for who I am. Someone who can understand me and who is not afraid to just do things...You know I was never hugged as a child?? I used to see my brother and sister recieve hugs from friends and families, but for some reason, I was always overlooked. It's the reason why I always treasure any hug I recieve, any present I recieve, any small gift imparted my way...
I think, out of all my memories, there is one image that stands out the most. Have you ever seen someone try to kill themself? It's not a pretty sight. I saw my mother take down 30 sleeping pills. I saw her lying on the couch near death. The feelings of loss I felt then were...
I'm sorry to anybody who has ever experiences a coldness, a brush off or anything negative from me...I honestly do not mean it. I'm just not sure how to show my emotions in the right way. Please forgive and give me time to learn. I am still hurting and still healing...
